The sad truth about people pleasing

Have you ever done so much for someone and then felt disappointed when they didn’t do the same for you?

Have you ever thought, “After everything I’ve done for you!”

Maybe you’re the one who always helps, always listens, always makes time. You notice when someone isn’t okay and jump in to fix things before they’ve even asked.

And yet, sometimes, you feel taken for granted and totally unappreciated.

And then gradually the anger kicks in and you feel unfairly treated or let down.

That was me!

But when burnout hit me, I needed to understand what was happening and why the same patterns seemed to repeat themselves.

What I found was painful and to be honest left me feeling embarrassed at first.

Why people pleasing can actually be selfish

What looks like people pleasing and giving everything to others is also a way of trying to get something we need ourselves, without being really aware of what we are doing.

The deal nobody knows they’re making (not even the people pleaser)

Most people pleasers genuinely care about others. They want to help and make people happy. But underneath all that giving and rescuing, there can be an unspoken expectation.

If I’m always there for you, you’ll be there for me.

If I make you happy, you’ll like me.

If I do enough for you, you’ll love me back.

We often do not realise we’re doing it.

We say ‘yes’ when we mean ‘no’, we rescue people and put our own needs aside because someone else’s seem more important or because the thought of disappointing them makes us uncomfortable.

And when the love, appreciation or support doesn’t come back as we hoped, we feel hurt, frustrated, disappointed and maybe even angry.

But here’s the important part.

The other person has absolutely no idea there was a ‘deal’.

It’s like playing a game without telling anyone the rules, then getting frustrated because nobody is playing it the way you expected.

We give and give, hoping someone will eventually notice how much we need to be looked after too.

But people can’t read our minds. And giving someone everything doesn’t guarantee they’ll give us what we need in return.

So, where does that leave us?

What if part of our people pleasing comes from not knowing how to give ourselves the love, approval and reassurance we’re looking for?

Instead, we look for it on the outside. In being needed, being helpful, keeping everyone happy and making sure nobody is disappointed in us.

Because if everyone is happy with us, perhaps we can finally relax, feel loved and worthy.

But we cannot control how other people feel about us. We cannot make everyone happy, and we cannot earn our way into being loved by doing enough.

Realising you are doing it is also the beginning of the needed change.

This doesn’t mean you should stop being kind or caring. It means learning to recognise when you’re giving because you want to and when you’re giving because you’re afraid of what might happen if you don’t.

People Pleasing, Childhood Patterns and Boundaries

People pleasing is usually a behaviour or protection mechanisms we have learnt in our child hood. It was a way to keep ourselves safe.

The question is: Do we still need to live this way?

As adults we are usually not dependent on others anymore, contrary to our child hood,  which means we can look after our own needs, love included.

This is where boundaries come in. Putting your own needs first, even when that feels unfamiliar at first. Letting others take responsibility for their own feelings, allowing someone to be disappointed without immediately trying to fix it.

It might feel uncomfortable at first. But that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.

Learning to set boundaries can be the beginning of learning to love yourself.

With the CONTROL Method, we work on the patterns underneath people pleasing rather than simply telling ourselves to stop.

Because the goal isn’t to stop caring about others. It’s to care about them without abandoning ourselves in the process and giving ourselves the love we were giving and expecting back.

See the short cut here? It will come in handy, I promise!

So, here’s something to think about:

When you say ‘yes’ to someone else, are you also saying ‘no’ to yourself?

And what are you hoping to receive in return?

You deserve love even when you’re not fixing anything, rescuing anyone or making everyone happy.

You don’t have to earn it by giving yourself away.