Why does my teen hate me?

If you have asked yourself the question ‘Why does my teen hate me?’, you are part of a VERY HIGH percentage of parents who just entered the daunting phase of puberty with their teen.

Puberty or the art of cuddling a cactus

This saying gives a very accurate picture of what happens to our cute and cuddly kids when they turn into teens. From prickliness to rudeness, from constant conflict to eye roll and monosyllabic conversations, it is all happening around the globe every single day, and with every generation.

And if it is happening to so many of us, surely it can’t be a personal?! And yet, when we are in the midst of it, it feels so extremely painful and terribly personal.

How can my once so kind and cuddly child turn into this ‘beast’?

I hear so many parents ask ‘Has my child suddenly turned into an a***hole?’ (yes, they use that exact word!). Well, as you know, nature is a force to be reckoned with. And in the case of your teen, that exactly is the reason for your child’s extreme behaviour.

While we live in such modern times, part of our brain has not adapted to the modern world, it is still very much acting as if we were living in caves. Partly beautiful, as this part of our brain really does watch over us all day and night and is the reason you and your kid are still alive. Whether it’s your speedy reaction when that car approaches your child on the bike or that sleepless night worrying about your teen at their first party, your primitive brain (I call it ‘The Hulk’) is there with you watching and helping you act fast where necessary.

While you are lying in that cosy warm bed in a modern house, your primitive brain still relates to you as a person living in a simple tribe, in a jungle or primitive cave.
And in order to survive in those days, we needed to be part of a tribe. Trying to survive in a jungle on your own would have been crazy, so we relied heavily on each other and the strength and wisdom of our tribe. Part of that wealth of a tribe was the next generation providing children, so the tribe would live on.
So, while we live in our 21st century houses and have access to almost anything by pressing a button,
what the brain is doing to our kids would have made total sense in those primitive days, but feels almost ‘abnormal’ today.

My teen hates me and you say it’s not personal?!

The reason why your teen starts hating you is really simple (and yep, I know, it does not feel that way because it feels hurtful, exhausting, depressing and unfair!). The constant eye roll, the ‘you are so embarrassing!’, the screaming fights, no longer hugs at the school gate, all this is originating from their brain. For the simple, but extremely important purpose of keeping the tribe going, our brain prepares our ‘young’ to leave home and start their own tribe.
And yet, today, if anything, we are fighting teenage pregnancy rather than trying to invite it!

While the ‘onset’ of puberty and the prickliness can feel sudden, it is actually a longer process. Often the changes become more noticeable when your kids change to a bigger school, and their need to find their new tribe and to adapt, takes over.
You might have noticed your teen being so focused on their peers all of a sudden, always in their room on the phone, gaming or on socials. Of course, those businesses have cleverly exploited this teenage phase.

Now, you might be wondering ‘Why is my teen so rude?’

Can you imagine separating from someone you love endlessly, someone who is your go-to for everything, who provides you not only with food, but safety, TLC and so much more?
Why on earth would you want to leave them? Exactly that is the reason our kids need to start finding us so annoying, old fashioned, boring.. so they find it easier to distance themselves.
Their brain is now wired for novelty and even your voice can start irritating them, while the voice of their friend’s mum sounds absolutely lovely.

Can you see why it’s happening?

It is a real shock as parents, and if we are honest, nothing in the world prepares us for it.
Most parents are dreading the teenage years. And this is because we have no understanding YET of the reasons for this. And lets face it, we have spent the last decade doing EVERYTHING for them, a bit of payback and a little break would be nice!

Knowing what you know now, does this help to be more forgiving?

After all, we have to remember our kids have no clue either why this is happening. It must be weird and possibly scary to suddenly feel that way about people that mean so much to you!
And as for our kids, the crazy changes happening within their brain are massive at this age and are not finished till in their mid-twenties.

But the best news!

Your teen does not really hate you, they still love you and need you so desperately, but they have entered the phase of gradual independence and detachment driven by a very powerful brain and it is confusing. What teens hate is being controlled. They have entered a phase I call ‘Apprenticeship of adulthood’ and need us to be a guide rather than the police force.

How can I help my teen?

– Start by accepting that none of this is personal.
– Be forgiving: Remember your teen does none of this on purpose, it is painful for them too.
– Replace fight with support: Your teen needs you. You dealt with the nappies, the sleepless nights, the exhausting tantrums. Now is the time to emotionally guide your teen towards their adulthood. Be their coach, not their punisher.

– Understanding does not equal ‘accepting‘ every behaviour. Teens still need boundaries, they are important guidelines. But if we try to control, we push them away and they are more likely to stop telling us the important stuff. A simple ‘Human being here, what you just said really hurt’ can get you an apology and them a clear message.

– Educate yourself: You have a unique chance here to truly support your teen by getting ahead, by using the most incredible tool that we as the first generation of parents are able to explore: The neuro science of the teenage brain.
This knowledge is not complicated, but enormously helpful for you to support your teen. It’ll not only bring back harmony and peace into your life, it will help you reconnect with your kid and build a stronger relationship than ever.

We can see it as a MUST or as a CHANCE

It is on us now to re-connect with our teens. Whether it happening gradually or with the speed of an earthquake, the rift between us parents and our teens is meant to happen. What we didn’t know until now, is that it is on us parents to repair it by building a bridge and enter into a new kind of relationship, that of a coach, a guide or as I call it ‘driving instructor’. It is time to let your teen take the wheels and drive their own vehicle, while you are there to support them to become better at life, to be stronger, more resilient and more confident and catch them if they fall.

The real question is: Are you ready to be the parent your teen needs so badly?

If you’d like to part of that new wave of parents who truly understand and support their teens, check out ‘from conflict to connection’, my personal 2 months guide to you, bringing you up to speed with the most important information around teenage brain changes and behavioural challenges and teaching you tools and tricks on how to quickly reconnect to your teen and (re)build a strong and long lasting relationship filled with trust, love and some well needed laughter.

Feel free to join my facebook group ‘In tune with teens’

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